"Encouraging Autonomy" Put to Use

By Becky

I recently had an opportunity to put the skills from How to Talk So Kids will Listen book (but like, when is there NOT an opportunity??)

One thing my daughter and I struggle with is autonomy. Her tendency to be timid and uncomfortable with trying new things, and my tendency to be a "helicopter mom" is a perfect storm. She does fairly well following directions and asking permission, but struggles in self-direction and independence. Partly driven by a desire to get things done and the deception that I am "helping" her learn (by doing things for her, ), I have often stepped in the way of her gaining independence at this crucial age of development.

In How to Talk so Kids Will Listen & Listen so Kids will Talk, chapter 4 (titled "Encouraging Autonomy") challenges us to gain the skills that teach our children to learn autonomy. The basic rules are:

1. Let children make choices

2.Show respect for a child's struggle

3.Don't ask too many questions.

4.Don't rush to answer questions.

5.Encourage them to use sources outside the home.

6.Don't take away hope.

Okay, so while camping last weekend, we were lying in the tent at bedtime, Sonrisa on her air mattress, I nursing Tristan on mine. All is dark, quiet, and very cold outside of the sleeping bags. Out of her corner of the tent I hear, "Mommy?"

"Yes?"

"I have a boogie."

Silence.

Normally I would say: "Get a tissue" or "Go throw it away." But at this moment I have no idea where a tissue is, nor do I want to get up and go looking for one. If I get up, my nearly sleeping baby will wake up and most likely roll off the air mattress. There is of course no trash can in the tent. I am tempted to tell her to flick it into a corner, but then I think, yuck. I am at a loss.

So I just say "What are you going to do with it?"

"I don't know."

Normally I might say "Well, I'm not going to get rid of it for you! There are some things you just have to do for yourself."

Then she would most likely feel hurt and resentful and begin whining and pleading just because she has realized the fight is on.

And she has to hold her side, right?

And then I would give in because I just want to stop the fight, but would be disgusted and my daughter would probably not feel that great even though she got her way.

So I say something silly instead, because I REALLY do not want Tristan to wake and I REALLY do not want anything to do with her booger.

"Well, I guess you're going to have to stick it behind your ear."

"Ewww! No, I need to put it somewhere away from my skin."

"oh...How will you do that?"

"By throwing it out of the tent?" I am still waiting for her to ask ME to throw it out of the tent, but I say,

"That sounds good." And lo and behold, she gets up and does it! No whining, begging me to do it, nothing!! It amazed me.

It was her own idea, and she solved her own problem, so she had no problem doing it on her own.

And I didn't have to get out of my sleeping bag which was a very good thing.