"Encouraging Autonomy" Put to Use

By Becky

I recently had an opportunity to put the skills from How to Talk So Kids will Listen book (but like, when is there NOT an opportunity??)

One thing my daughter and I struggle with is autonomy. Her tendency to be timid and uncomfortable with trying new things, and my tendency to be a "helicopter mom" is a perfect storm. She does fairly well following directions and asking permission, but struggles in self-direction and independence. Partly driven by a desire to get things done and the deception that I am "helping" her learn (by doing things for her, ), I have often stepped in the way of her gaining independence at this crucial age of development.

In How to Talk so Kids Will Listen & Listen so Kids will Talk, chapter 4 (titled "Encouraging Autonomy") challenges us to gain the skills that teach our children to learn autonomy. The basic rules are:

1. Let children make choices

2.Show respect for a child's struggle

3.Don't ask too many questions.

4.Don't rush to answer questions.

5.Encourage them to use sources outside the home.

6.Don't take away hope.

Okay, so while camping last weekend, we were lying in the tent at bedtime, Sonrisa on her air mattress, I nursing Tristan on mine. All is dark, quiet, and very cold outside of the sleeping bags. Out of her corner of the tent I hear, "Mommy?"

"Yes?"

"I have a boogie."

Silence.

Normally I would say: "Get a tissue" or "Go throw it away." But at this moment I have no idea where a tissue is, nor do I want to get up and go looking for one. If I get up, my nearly sleeping baby will wake up and most likely roll off the air mattress. There is of course no trash can in the tent. I am tempted to tell her to flick it into a corner, but then I think, yuck. I am at a loss.

So I just say "What are you going to do with it?"

"I don't know."

Normally I might say "Well, I'm not going to get rid of it for you! There are some things you just have to do for yourself."

Then she would most likely feel hurt and resentful and begin whining and pleading just because she has realized the fight is on.

And she has to hold her side, right?

And then I would give in because I just want to stop the fight, but would be disgusted and my daughter would probably not feel that great even though she got her way.

So I say something silly instead, because I REALLY do not want Tristan to wake and I REALLY do not want anything to do with her booger.

"Well, I guess you're going to have to stick it behind your ear."

"Ewww! No, I need to put it somewhere away from my skin."

"oh...How will you do that?"

"By throwing it out of the tent?" I am still waiting for her to ask ME to throw it out of the tent, but I say,

"That sounds good." And lo and behold, she gets up and does it! No whining, begging me to do it, nothing!! It amazed me.

It was her own idea, and she solved her own problem, so she had no problem doing it on her own.

And I didn't have to get out of my sleeping bag which was a very good thing.

Spiced Pumpkin Bars –Makes 24 bars

A yummy recipe shared by Anna

2 Cups Flour

2 tsp Baking Powder

1 tsp Baking Soda

2 tsp Cinnamon

¼ tsp Salt

Eggs

1 Can Pumpkin (15 oz)

1 2/3 Cup Sugar

1 Cup Cooking oil (ie veg)

¾ Cup Pecans, chopped (optional)

1 pkg / 11 oz Cream Cheese, softened

¼ Cup Butter, softened (1 stick)

1 tsp Vanilla

2 Cups Powdered Sugar

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Bars:

In a medium bowl: stir together flour, baking powder, cinnamon, baking powder, baking soda, and salt. Set aside.

In a large bowl: beat eggs and add pumpkin, sugar, and oil. Mix with an electric mixer on medium speed.

Add in half of the flour mixture and stir. Add in the rest of the flour mixture and stir until well combined.

Add in Pecans (optional)

Spread batter into a 9 x 13 ungreased baking disch.

Bake for 25-30 minutes or until a wooden toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean.

Allow to cool completely.

Icing:

In a medium bowl beat together the cream cheese, butter, and vanilla until fluffy.

Gradually add in the powdered sugar and beat until smooth.

Frost the pumpkin bars.

May top with pecans if desired.

Preemies, Prevention and Progesterone (17P): The Story Begins with My First Preemie

My son's first weeks of life were not what we expected: wires, feeding tubes, sensors, incubators, medication, IV needles, bright lights, alarming buzzes and beeps, medical tests and dozens of doctors and nurses around the clock. My son was born prematurely at 33 weeks gestation, and spent his first weeks of life in the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit).

What the childbirth classes do not prepare women or families for is any deviation from the “typical” 20-plus hours of labor and not having a choice between a drugged or drug-free labor. (I was planning for the “drugged” option, honestly!).

My experience was quite different...and I would love for you to read the remainder of my story, published at:http://bit.ly/cIDZzB. The NAMC Blog site is a great place for other mom's to comment and share their birth story, as everyone one of us has a unique experience to share, even though we've all "been there"!

Alison Beaver

Unplanned C-Section

by Catherine

When I was pregnant with James in 2008, I had prepared for a natural labor, but had an unplanned c-section after a marathon labor of 46 hours, two of which I pushed with no descent. I was really devastated and took a long time to get over the loss of my birth, even though I was in love with my son.

What really helped me, aside from finding NAMC when James was 4 months old, was the International Cesarean Awareness Network (ICAN). Their website, forums, and seminars gave me a safe place to go where other women understood my grief, and I learned so much more about birth and motherhood there. When I got pregnant again, I knew I wanted a VBAC, and I educated myself with their information so I could have the best birth for my baby.

When Rhys was born in July, it was via another unplanned c-section, but this time, things were on my terms. I had a completely natural labor and all of my wishes were honored, and when he also didn't descend while pushing (most likely due to my scleroderma), my doctor and support team were incredible. Rhys' birth was totally different than James', and I feel completely healed from the sadness I experienced the first time.

ICAN is a great tool for anyone seeking information about cesareans, VBACs, and natural birth. Their website is ican-online.org.

I also have to add that, with my second pregnancy, I switched to OB-GYN North, the practice that uses midwives in the hospital, and that also made a huge difference.

Is Marriage Bad for Your Sex Life?

Written by Alison Beaver, Published June 29, 2010 at EmpowHER.com. Access at: http://bit.ly/cvxrga

Do a quick search on EmpowHER [a woman's health website that Alison helps moderate], and you will find hundreds of women wanting to know why their sex life has decreased. These women are deeply concerned that their partner has lost interest in them sexually, and are worried about their future relationship and sex life.

As a society, we are bombarded with images of (heterosexual) sex; it is always happy, fulfilling, orgasmic, frequent, passionate and relationship-enhancing. It occurs within the perfect setting, among beautiful people. We rarely see a movie or show that depicts the real-life scenarios of sex, where the couple is usually tired, stressed, hair askew and fumbling with birth control. It makes sense that so many of us question--even in the healthiest of relationships-- what is it about us, our relationship, that prohibits a fulfilling sexual relationship. Has our partner lost interest? Is he deficient in someway? Does he not find me attractive or desirable? Is he cheating?

Are other people having more sex than we are?

Based on several sexual health, sexual attitude and sexual behavior studies conducted nationwide, Americans have sex about 59 times a year. That is about once per week.

Surprised?

There is, of course, an age breakdown (as well as other factors, including health status, marital status, partner availability, etc). Those individuals in the 18-29 age category average about 84-112 times per year, 30-39 year olds about 86 times per year, and 40-49 year olds about 69 times per year. Adults over 70 years of age average 10 times per year (likely due to health and widowers have lowest sexual frequency of all categories).

What about marital status? Is there any truth to the old joke, “marriage is bad for your sex life!”?

According to the sex research, adults who have the most frequent sex are...married! Most likely, the reason has to do with partner availability. Frequency of sex does decline as overall reported marital satisfaction declines.

In fact, “Thirteen percent of married couples reported having sex a few times per year, 45 percent reported a few times per month, 34 percent reported two to three times per week, and seven percent reported four or more times per week."

I found this interesting, as many woman have been extremely worried about their relationship and that they are “only” having sex once, maybe twice, per week. There are 45 percent of women who have sex a few times per month, and this can be perfectly healthy and create a happy and intimate marriage (or, long-term relationship)!

I did want to mention sexual inactivity, as a few women have expressed concerns that their partner has refused to have sex. In the Journal of Sex Research, it was found that, “among the currently married, only one to two percent of those aged 18-49 are sexually inactive, and the reasons include either poor health or a marriage (or, relationship) rating of ‘unhappy’."

What does all of this mean to you?

Sex frequency in relationships is dependent on numerous factors. As with any behavior, the quantity “ebbs and flows”, as we are reacting and interacting with our environments, our partners and the world around us. Merely focusing on frequency is not as useful as looking at the overall relationship. Sex research data provides a basic guideline, but please know, these are averages over the course of a year. It changes from month-to-month, year-to-year, minute-to-minute. In other words, some couples have sex like crazed rabbits; for most of us, it is a little less.

Realistically, you may notice what is referred to as the “honeymoon effect”--after the first year of a long-term relationship, sex frequency declines. Please know that this can be a very good sign, as individuals in the relationship are no longer afraid to lose the person if they are not spending every moment with them, engaging in sex. Perhaps less frequency can even equate to increased quality, as there is more time to communicate! Creating lasting memories “outside of the bedroom” is truly invaluable in a long-term relationship.

What do you and your partner do to create intimacy “outside the bedroom”?

Hormones and Motherhood

Today I was thinking about all of the hormonal changes my body has been through since I started down the pregnancy path. Melissa B. Light of Light Family Acupuncture and our featured speaker on Thursday night, recently expressed to me that I needed to be kind to myself after the hard work my body had done, not only after the birth of my last child, but before. The fact is that I was pregnant or nursing for almost 9 years off and on including miscarriages. I hadn't ever thought of it in those terms but when she said the number of years, I realized that it was normal to have so many ups and downs and I needed to take care of my body. The same body that has carried me through this life and through the journey of creation. Melissa was a huge help and prescribed me Chinese herbs that really made a difference for me. The change in my moods and demeanor is remarkable. I realize this may not work for everyone but it was very helpful to me.

Another person who has helped me through the journey is Michelle Brown. She is a Mayan Message Therapist here in Austin. I had gone to see her when I found out that Noble was breech. Unfortunately, I was too late to get Noble moved successfully. I went to see her three months after my c-section for a tune up. Her abdominal message made a huge difference for me. Before the message, I wanted to pull the covers over my head and disappear for about a month. I was truly struggling with my moods and depression. During the message I felt a release that is difficult to describe. I felt like it was all the pent up energy that didn't get to be let out when I had a c-section rather than a natural child birth. My family saw an immediate difference in me. It was wonderful.

"Women's Moods" a book by Sichel and Driscoll, was also a huge help. It is a must have and was lent to me by another mom in our group. It is wonderful and full of useful information. The book details symptoms to help you navigate through hormonal and chemical changes in your body so you can help your doctors determine what may be happening. It would be a wonderful world if doctors had all the answers but as the doctors who wrote the book point out, Women's medicine is lacking. Unfortunately, the modern medical movement is just now catching up on Women's brains and hormones and how they work. The old models of treatment are really geared towards men. Taking your mental, emotional and physical health and well being on for the sake of ourselves and our families is so important. Having information to take to the doctor to discuss the possible issues, only helps them to take care of you in an effective and efficient way.

I had planned to use the log in the back of the book and I planned to share it with my doctor but I was able to get things settled before that occurred. In the future, when I run into possible hormonal issues, I will absolutely use the chart and take it in to my doctor for further discussion.

Ultimately, for me it was Chinese medicine and working with a Transformational Life Coach (more on that later) that made the difference for me. Whatever you try, don't give up and know that you are not alone. Motherhood is a huge change for a women and there is really no way to prepare for the changes that it brings to your life or your body. Finding someone to talk to and finding support through this club or through other avenues is vital. If you are experiencing stress or difficulties with motherhood, reach out and be honest. Find ways and make time to take care of yourself.

November Letter from the President

Howdy Mama's,

I hope everyone had a wonderful and safe Halloween last night. The Halloween Carnival was a big success. We had tons of fun and tons of help putting it together. Thanks to everyone who helped out!

This month, our meeting is this Thursday night at 7:00. We will have Melissa B. Light of Light Family Acupuncture speaking to us about ways moms can relax. We will also be making Stockings after the meeting so check the FB Group to find the list of supplies you will need. Also, don't forget to sign up to bring a dish to share. The club asks that everyone bring a dish at least once and help clean up or set up once as well. Look for the Potluck sign up later today and don't forget to share your fabulous recipes on the FB Page under the Discussion Tab marked Recipes.

On November 6th we are having our Fall Retreat. We are heading to New Braunfels to Wurstfest ( http://www.wurstfest.com/ ) for some good food and shopping fun. We will meet at the church at 10am and carpool from there. Check out the Event on FB and sign up for the fun.

On Thursday, November 11th we will have our Fall Board Meeting. Anyone may attend, not just Board Members. Please come participate and give your feedback. At the meeting we will be organizing our upcoming Holiday Bazaar and Children's Garage Sale Fundraiser. We have secured a location and advertising already for the morning of December 4th. If you are interested in selling your wares or crafts at the event please let me know asap. We will be offering booths for $20 each. This is a great way to make some extra cash for the Holiday Season. If your not crafty, there is still tons to do. Mark your calendars and get ready for some fun and money making.

The Special Interest Group Leaders have tons of fun planned for this month so make sure to check the FB Events tab and join us!

Finally, on this season of Thanks Giving, I want to say how Thankful I am for all of my North Austin Mother's Club friends. You are so special to me and have provided me tons of support, laughter and fun! Thanks to all of you for making the club so special.

Love and Light,

Danor Padden

President North Austin Mother's Club 2010-2011

PS. If you happened upon this blog and want more info about our group, please see our website at www.northaustinmothersclub.org